03 October 2009
when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
i just thought it would be nice to get a pizza. i thought it would be quick and easy and i wouldn't have to really think about it. there's a shop in the village that sells freshly made pizzas that you can take home and bake yourself, so i thought that might be nicer than a frozen one. it wasn't. well, the pizza itself was. it was very nice. what wasn't nice was the slightly flirty nature of the cooking instructions. throughout which the pizza, my pizza, referred to itself in the first person.
it began innocently enough with the words "take me out of my film wrapping and leave me on the parchment paper", although the words "TAKE ME" in that sentence were the only words written in capital letters, which should have been a warning to me. but then it took on a slightly sexually aggressive tone with the instructions "pull me into the oven on the paper, sliding me from the round board", but again i didn't really think anything of it. i just thought it was a bit weird. i don't think i'd ever come across anthropomorphism being used as a literary device in cooking instructions before.
i definitely started to feel quite uncomfortable though when the instructions starting asking me if i had any tongs anywhere and telling me how useful they were. "when i am risen, golden and bubbling," it said "pull me from the oven (best with those tongs) and on to a board." still, it was just a bit odd. i thought perhaps i was being over sensitive until the last instruction to "drizzle a little extra virgin olive oil over me if you wish" and then at the very bottom in capital letters simply the words "LOVE ME". i could barely bring myself to cook it. i felt dirty just thinking about the thing. my pizza had actually hit on me. there was a unnerving sexual undertone to everything i thought about it now. i wasn't just "putting it" in the oven anymore, i was "carefully sliding it in". and i couldn't even imagine how i was going to feel eating it. after it was finished cooking, i had to leave it sitting awkwardly next to me on the sofa for ten minutes. i could hardly look at it. eventually i got too hungry though, so i just ate it. and it tasted very nice. but i had to eat it with my eyes closed.
it was quite a weird experience. i felt slightly degraded afterwards and as if i'd cheapened the pizza in some way by not caring for it as much as it had needed me to. i don't think i'll buy home bake pizza from there again. it's too difficult. and i just don't think i'm ready to commit to an evening meal. it's not the pizza, it's me.