01 October 2007
i never worry on trains. not about the sorts of things i usually worry about when i'm just walking around. i worry that it might crash and i might die obviously, but because i'm always worrying that i'm going to die i've stopped counting it as a worry. so apart from that, i never worry on trains. i think it might have something to do with the speed that trains travel at so that everything becomes a blur, and i think it might be because i'm always between two points when i'm on a train, and until i get to wherever it is i'm going i don't feel like there's any point in worrying about anything. as soon as i get there i can start worrying again, but in the meantime i know there is nothing i can do about anything. so i don't worry. i worry in cars. and i worry on planes. obviously. when i'm in a plane the worrying about dying that doesn't usually count becomes so overwhelming that it starts to count again as a genuine worry. and i don't remember if i worry on boats. i think i might do. maybe because they move more slowly and you can usually see land. but i can't be sure until i go on a boat again.
because i never worry on trains i am more likely to fall asleep on trains. as a human being i fall asleep quite easily anyway. unless i actually need to fall asleep, in which case i lie awake all night worrying about not falling asleep. but i can usually fall asleep anywhere at anytime. i think maybe it's because i daydream a lot. or maybe it's because i'm a lazy waste of space. or maybe i'm ill. whatever it is i fall asleep easily and a lot. and often on trains.
i was thinking on the train home, before i fell asleep, that if someone saw me asleep on a train they probably wouldn't think much of it, and then i started making a list in my head of people who i thought it would be funny to see asleep on a train. i started making the list. tom cruise, britney spears, bruce springsteen, michael douglas, david and victoria beckham, ewan mcgregor, robert lindsay, george michael. and then i thought that i should really limit the list to people who might actually still catch trains and might actually be on the train from london to wendover. and so i started crossing out all the names of the people who were unlikely to be on the train. in my head. and when i'd finished i was just left with robert lindsay. it would be funny if i saw robert lindsay asleep on a train. i probably would have had a longer list but i fell asleep.
and i didn't wake up again until i had reached my station. and then i started to worry again. i am disillusioned with everything.